Icarus – April 27th, 2099

April 27th, 2099

Sarah stands before me, her hands on my cheeks. I look into her eyes, feel her breath on my chin as she smiles. She hasn’t done that in so long. It’s a dream, the past, a past that is replacing the present.

Reaching out, I can feel her. I touch her short hair, my fingertips sliding through silky strands to the warm scalp below. She closes her eyes, sighing in contentment. Her body presses against mine and the scent of vanilla comes to me, faint but intoxicating. If I press my lips to hers, I know the taste of the gloss she wears will be strawberry. Strawberry and vanilla. I can’t smell, see or taste either without thinking of her.

It’s a fever dream but I can’t wake up. I follow her through the engine rooms, tap out numbers on keys that she tells me. Her whisper is in my ear, telling me we shouldn’t be alone. We should go home, go home and find others to be with.

I am at peace in those moments, when the dreams are at their most vivid. I could stay here forever and be all right, but I won’t. There is something in me that fights this perfection, this living dream. I won’t reach out to kiss her, to draw her to me forever, because that dream scared me then and I can’t accept it now.

And so I have these moments where I know I am becoming one of them. I wake from the dream and see my hand poised over the ship’s consoles and snatch it back. Sarah always said I was too afraid to reach out and embrace my dreams, but if she only knew the dreams I have now.

Icarus – April 26th (approximate), 2099

April 26th (approximate), 2099

Oh Jesus. Oh my God, what have I done? I let them in while they were asleep and then I… I just left. Went to the engine rooms and sealed myself in. Why am I not dead? Why did the others leave me alone?

I can’t get that song out of my head. It’s louder, pounding inside like a migraine. I hear it in the walls, feel it through the floor and it comes with each beat of my pulse. Is that blood? I’m bleeding from somewhere, my fingernails, my ears… where is it all coming from?

They’re banging on the door, screaming my name. Is that my name? Is that how it sounds? Sarah, you never called me that. You always called me Will, not traitor. Is that what I am? Did I do this? I can’t hear myself think anymore, all I hear is that song. One of the words makes sense to me now.

Brother.

Icarus – April 25th (approximate), 2099

April 25th (approximate), 2099

It’s been fourteen hours since they left. That is a very long time to be gone. The sounds have gotten louder, more insistent. I can’t sleep. How long has it been since I slept? I’m too afraid to close my eyes, too afraid to keep them open too. What is that? No one else seems to hear it? Some kind of… song.

It’s very faint, like a note carried on a breeze. If I turn to hear it better, it’s gone. I hear it clearly when I try not to think and shut the world away. There are no words, just a consistent low melody. Is it an instrument or is someone humming? I can almost make it out. It seems so familiar.

I’ve asked Bree and Rich but they don’t hear it. How can they not hear that? There it is again. The same notes. It’s a song, I know it is. Who’s playing it? Has Kate and Alex gotten cut off? Is this how they’re trying to communicate?

We need to do something. They’ve been gone too long. The others are banging on the walls now, screeching so loud I can hardly hear myself think. There’s something else too, a kind of rattling in the floor. Are they coming through? Oh God, what is that sound?

It’s that song, playing loud and clear.

Icarus – April 24th (approximate), 2099

April 24th (approximate), 2099   

Sarah comes to me constantly now, trying to reach me and bring me back. I long to touch her, but she is always just out of reach as if insubstantial. She is a phantasm, nothing but mist upon my fingers. I find myself calling out to her, crawling after her but hands drag me back. They are frantic hands and they are real.

Alex is real and so are the other three. Rich sits silent against the wall and stares for hours at nothing. Kate talks to us about how to get to the bridge and send for help. We can use the laser system to route power and serve as an antenna, but Rich won’t respond. She shakes him and he just stares.

He lost his partner, everyone has but Alex and Bree. They sit together, holding one another. When I am not seeing Sarah, I watch them. Is that what it should look like? Is that how love, how life, is supposed to be? I watch but avoid thinking of Jennie, of how we sat together and never touched.

#

I slept for a few hours and feel more lucid. There is something stale about the air I didn’t notice before. It’s got a fetid smell in it as well, like blood left to pool too long. The others, the ones beyond the door, have been quiet lately. Kate thinks it’s time to try her plan.

She and Alex are going to climb through the maintenance tunnels. Without gravity they shouldn’t have too much trouble, but I can’t shake this feeling of anxiety that grows with every passing second. Only writing seems to keep me calm.

Now as I sit with Rich and Bree, we wait and pray.

Icarus – April 23rd (approximate), 2099

April 23rd (approximate), 2099

The scratching is insistent. I hear it all the time for there is no more day and no more night. If I sleep, I sleep in fits and jerks, closing my eyes only to snap them open again. I’m afraid to sleep, afraid that if I let myself go under, they will come. It’s not a fear of dying, not really. It’s a fear of waking up alone on this ship. That is something I can’t take. I’ll go mad.

I may already be mad. I saw her again. Sarah was just walking down the corridor, toward the sealed door. She was waving to me, beckoning me to follow her. I knew it wasn’t real, Sarah doesn’t look like that anymore. She let her hair grow out, changed so much. This Sarah was the old Sarah, her hair short and dark. She was beautiful, just like I remember.

I can’t let go, even now. I won’t let her change, or grow, or be someone other than who I remember. She is nothing but a fantasy. How long has she been that way?

They’re trying to come through again. I can hear them pounding, screeching, clawing. God, make it stop! I want the silence, the awful, unending silence! Not this, not ever this.

They’re coming for us, it won’t be long now.

Icarus – April 20th, 2099

April 20th, 2099

It’s been three days since I’ve slept. It’s so quiet. The ship is so very, very quiet now. Except for the screaming of course. I can still hear it, far away down the pressure tube, back in Recreation. Oh God, Jennie. I’m sorry. You weren’t turned yet but I saw the black marks, the tumors that were growing. I’m sorry. We had to seal it off.

Didn’t we?

I don’t know what we could have done. Anne turned quickly, and then Evan wasn’t long after. The door wasn’t going to hold, we needed to seal off the deck. You were infected by it. You were. Those were tumors, Alex said so. Weren’t the eyes blackening?

Your eyes were always so dark, almost black to begin with. The whites were darkening though, they had to be. You would have been one of them, you would have I know it. It was only right, we had to save the ship, save the rest of us. You were gone, Jennie. Gone. Forgive me okay? I’m sorry.

Engineering is a dark place full of little blinking lights and so very little sound. We should go further back, to the engine rooms just so I can hear them hum. Block out the sound of your screaming.

What are we going to do now? Kate thinks she has a plan but what chance do we have against you, all of you? It’s all wrong, so very wrong. This isn’t what they said it would be. It was supposed to be an adventure. I was supposed to find myself, become something stronger.

Am I going to die out here instead?

Icarus – April 18th, 2099

~>ICARUS COMMSAT INTERFACE INITIALIZED 04.18.2099

~>INPUT PROTOCOL

>input.secure.protocol 99157B98

~>CHANNEL OPEN

>Evacuation needed# Engines disabled# Bridge disabled# 5 dead# Coordinates-1A.B+23.C+5#

>Passcode: ********

~>SENDING…

~>UPLINK FAILED::ERROR RESPONSE FROM ANTENNAE 1 2 3

~>SHUTTING DOWN