Icarus – April 27th, 2099

April 27th, 2099

Sarah stands before me, her hands on my cheeks. I look into her eyes, feel her breath on my chin as she smiles. She hasn’t done that in so long. It’s a dream, the past, a past that is replacing the present.

Reaching out, I can feel her. I touch her short hair, my fingertips sliding through silky strands to the warm scalp below. She closes her eyes, sighing in contentment. Her body presses against mine and the scent of vanilla comes to me, faint but intoxicating. If I press my lips to hers, I know the taste of the gloss she wears will be strawberry. Strawberry and vanilla. I can’t smell, see or taste either without thinking of her.

It’s a fever dream but I can’t wake up. I follow her through the engine rooms, tap out numbers on keys that she tells me. Her whisper is in my ear, telling me we shouldn’t be alone. We should go home, go home and find others to be with.

I am at peace in those moments, when the dreams are at their most vivid. I could stay here forever and be all right, but I won’t. There is something in me that fights this perfection, this living dream. I won’t reach out to kiss her, to draw her to me forever, because that dream scared me then and I can’t accept it now.

And so I have these moments where I know I am becoming one of them. I wake from the dream and see my hand poised over the ship’s consoles and snatch it back. Sarah always said I was too afraid to reach out and embrace my dreams, but if she only knew the dreams I have now.

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Icarus – April 24th (approximate), 2099

April 24th (approximate), 2099   

Sarah comes to me constantly now, trying to reach me and bring me back. I long to touch her, but she is always just out of reach as if insubstantial. She is a phantasm, nothing but mist upon my fingers. I find myself calling out to her, crawling after her but hands drag me back. They are frantic hands and they are real.

Alex is real and so are the other three. Rich sits silent against the wall and stares for hours at nothing. Kate talks to us about how to get to the bridge and send for help. We can use the laser system to route power and serve as an antenna, but Rich won’t respond. She shakes him and he just stares.

He lost his partner, everyone has but Alex and Bree. They sit together, holding one another. When I am not seeing Sarah, I watch them. Is that what it should look like? Is that how love, how life, is supposed to be? I watch but avoid thinking of Jennie, of how we sat together and never touched.

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I slept for a few hours and feel more lucid. There is something stale about the air I didn’t notice before. It’s got a fetid smell in it as well, like blood left to pool too long. The others, the ones beyond the door, have been quiet lately. Kate thinks it’s time to try her plan.

She and Alex are going to climb through the maintenance tunnels. Without gravity they shouldn’t have too much trouble, but I can’t shake this feeling of anxiety that grows with every passing second. Only writing seems to keep me calm.

Now as I sit with Rich and Bree, we wait and pray.