The Space Cantina – My neurotic issues this week

SpaceCantina_HeaderIt’s been a while since I simply posted my thoughts on my blog, so I think I’ll take the time to do so now.

Lately I’ve been having trouble concentrating, collecting all my thoughts into one cohesive story and putting it down on the page. For this reason “The Blood” will miss a week due to the fact that I simply don’t have Part 12 done. This upsets me because I made a vow to post EVERY week, regardless. Well, I am going to have to break that vow. So for those of you who read my blog, I’m really sorry.

Work has been very busy lately and I’ve been putting in over 50+ hours each week about, including some hours on the weekend (when I’m not traveling). I’d like to say that’s the only reason I haven’t had a lot of chance to write, but it isn’t. The simple fact is I’m having a problem. For over a year now I’ve been trying to create this novel and there are weeks when it just goes and goes… and then it hits a snag that unravels the whole thing. I break it down and break it down and in the end the whole thing is scrapped and redone.

This week has been worse. I’ve been unable to sit and settle myself into any kind of writing mindset. I’ve been nervous and agitated, and I haven’t been able to focus on anything. I try but nothing gets done. I was sick today, though it was mostly just exhaustion. My stomach has been giving me bouts of nausea and my head just won’t give up the headache. No, it’s not some kind of weird illness… I’ve checked. Whatever it is, it’s related to my nerves and my inability to settle down. It’s like I’m having a nervous breakdown for no good reason.

This sounds like a lot of whining, and for that I apologize. I don’t know what’s happening to me or why. I don’t know why this novel just won’t get written. It’s finally split into TWO different stories even! Two different universes too. It’s getting ridiculous.

I wanted to write a story that made me feel the excitement of Battlestar Galactica again. It would be about starfighter pilots at their training academy as the whole universe begins to descend into war. I wanted to write what it was like to sit at school and feel helpless as everything around you turned to fire. I most especially wanted to create characters that you would identify with and cheer and cry with as they overcame their adversities and pushed through the worst of Plebe Year.

So why won’t it just come out?

I’m starting to wonder if I’ve read too much science fiction lately. If that sounds ridiculous it’s because it is. Basically I’ve been thinking too much about what is “realistic” and it’s destroying my fun in this genre. I’m getting too worried about what people will say about my physics and my lack of realistic science. I’m giving myself a bad case of paranoia and I need to stop.

I write fantasy in space. I also write about steampunk for no good reason. I write about fun things that excite me. There, I said it.

Now let’s see if I can just let it go and accept it.

The Space Cantina – Thoughts, there are thoughts in my brain

Okay, because my little reader base here is still very small I get to get away with all kinds of stupid things. Example number 1, changing my header whenever I’m inclined. And so, I’m inclined.

I decided to do this because I’m getting pretty serious about this whole blogging fiction business. I enjoy it, I love having people come here, read my schlock and come back again for more. That is insanely cool. I don’ t even think insanely cool is proper diction. Doesn’t matter.

My name is Michael Lee Kern, and I’m a writer. I liked the sound of Michael Lee as a pen name but there’s about… a hundred million of us. So, I’m just going back to Mike Kern, which is what everyone really knows me as. I know, it’s a rough transition, but we’ll all get through this together. That is what teamwork is about. Getting me through things.

Okay enough yammering. This is also because I’m preparing to take my blog off wordpress and host it myself. For those inclined to prayer, please say one for my sanity?

Icarus – January 22nd, 2089

January 22nd, 2089

My vacation to Niagara was refreshing and creatively stimulating. I wrote five entire chapters of my novel while I sat comfortably on a reclining chair, gazing out at the splendor of the Falls. She always said nature was the most beautiful piece of art in all of Creation, but she always said things like that.

She also would have asked how I could leave this all behind.

It’s easy to explain. The spectacle was moving but only on an academic level. I found myself studying the way the water tumbles free of its rock bed and crashes with a roar upon the river below. The mist that rose captured my artistic eye and I found several passages within my chapters to use the imagery. This was the only emotional tug Niagara had on me. It gave me the words to work.

Any real emotion lately comes from anxiety about my upcoming voyage. I am eager to cast off my doubts and put myself into the arms of Icarus as we set off toward a new star. Once we are under way, I can do nothing about it, can’t quit, can’t turn back. The security in that lack of choice is what I yearn for now.

I find myself unable to eat as the time draws near. As I write this I’m sitting in the boarding arena, waiting for the shuttle to Luna. The other nine members of the crew are here with me and while I can not divulge their names, I can say that each of us has a partner that was chosen for us based on psychological compatibility. They are of a sex that we prefer and apparently we are encouraged to… well I believe you can grasp at the concept.

I don’t put much stock in the government’s IQ-breeding programs but their personality matching system is apparently very good. I heard it was a remnant of some online dating algorithm used half a century ago. Suffice it to say that my assigned partner is attractive and attentive. She knew I was a freelancer right away, though that doesn’t surprise me, considering her credentials as an investigative reporter.

We’d spoken about writing for hours and I’m glad she’ll be along. I think if the only conversation in town for ten years concerns the equations of a Time-Vortex Quasar Node, I just might go insane.

The boarding light has just come on. The next time I’ll have a chance to write will be from the moon! Here we go.

Goodbye, Earth.